Today, October 28th, would've been the day that Baby 4 was due.
Actually, I keep saying that he/she was my fourth baby, but in reality, he/she was my fifth baby. I miscarried my first baby, too.
When I think about the words of Psalm 139:1-17, I can't help but be amazed by God.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. 3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all. 5 You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," 12 Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. 14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; 16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
This passage brings me so much comfort because I know my babies lives, though unborn, had purpose. They were precious to God. Even more than that, I love the way it describes just how loving God is. He's intimately acquainted with us. He knows every detail about us, how many days of life we'll have even before even one day comes to pass (v.16).
These past few months, my grief has caught me off guard on several occasions. Often times when I was playing with my children, I would find myself in tears. One time I went to the dentist and it occurred to me that the last time I had been there, I had my little one "with" me. There was a time I attended a baby shower, and I saw an ultrasound of a beautiful little unborn baby moving and so full of life, and I couldn't hide my emotion. When I would say "surely the darkness will overwhelm me.." (v 11) I realized that all along it hasn't, because my Creator has sustained me. He has searched me and He knows me. He understands my thoughts from afar (v1-2) He has laid His hand upon me (V. 5)
He has been faithful to me.
No human person or thing could offer me this type of hope, comfort, or peace. Only Jesus. I said in my post in April, that I don't know how anyone can handle the hardships of life without Jesus, and I mean it. He is hope, when life is hopeless. He is peace, when life is chaotic. He brings joy in the midst of sorrow. He sets my feet on solid ground, when circumstances try to shake me.
This song, once again, has been an encouragement to me while grieving the loss of my unborn babies. I wanted to share it, in closing, because I choose to praise the One who allowed me to carry these two babies. I choose joy in the midst of sorrow. I choose hope when life seems hopeless. I choose peace when life is chaotic. I choose to be healed by the greatest Healer of all time.
I choose Jesus.
Today, October 28th, though I won't see life for my unborn baby, I hope you'll choose to give your life to the One who gave His life for you. Jesus said "I am the way, and the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father but through Me." (John 14:6) I would love the opportunity to share the good news about Jesus with you if you haven't made Him Savior and Lord of your life yet. Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.